Ladies and gentlemen, after careful consideration for the needs of our country, I have decided upon our most trustworthy candidate for the 2012 presidency. The chair.
I first realized the uncanny resilience of the chair during the GOP convention. The chair just, stood there… absorbing criticism from the sharp tongue of one Clint Eastwood. Both silent and strong, it refused to bow down to the harsh words tossed at him. Yet at the same time, it practiced such poise and grace, remaining open and available to anyone. Even to its most critical of critics, Eastwood himself.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is what this country needs. That strength, built on a solid foundation, but comfortable and accepting. Coupled with a wisdom and sense for design that comes with centuries of existence. The chair has traveled the world and has adapted itself to every culture. The chair sees nothing of you. It knows not your race, your gender or creed. Nor does it care. All it knows is that we Americans need its support, which it gives so freely. And it is there for you.
I have not personally had a chance to discuss the issues with the chair. But I remain confident that we will find it both neutral and yet supportive of bi-partisan measures. It will be a pillar of strength for Congress and the Supreme Court, as well as Americans everywhere. I feel comfortable enough with it to say that it is laissez faire upon matters of economic importance. And military matters. And diplomacy… and pretty much everything else.
From my understanding, the chair has no plans to appoint anyone. Rest assured that its will be the least expensive administration of the executive branch we have seen in years. Yet it will be at its desk, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 12 months to the year and 365 days in that year for the full length of its term. It will neither rest nor eat. It will not shower or bathe. Never before will this country have had such an attentive president.
But know that despite all this… the chair is there. A gentle soul in the home of every American family and business. Supportive despite our burdens. With the resolve to correct our posture while understanding enough for when we slouch.
A vote for the chair… is a vote for America.